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Every year in the United States, more women are killed from domestic violence than the number of service men and women killed each year in the war in Iraq. The war in Iraq left 4209 US servicemen dead. The war lasted five years, making the average number of deaths per year 824. These statistics are on iCasualties: Iraq Coalition Casualties http://icasualties.org/oif/ . and Anti War.com http://antiwar.com/casualties/ The statistics on women killed by domestic violence per year is 1232 in the USA. 85-95% of all domestic violence victims are female. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. Homicide is the leading cause of death for women in the work place according to the American Institute on Domestic Violence http://www.aidv_usa.com/Statics.htm
And The American Bar Association http://www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html
To stop abuse we must first recognize it. We cannot change what we refuse to acknowledge. Today you can learn how to do both. Understanding entitlement is basic to understanding abuse. When a person believes they are better, because they are male, because of the color of their skin, because they belong to a particular political group or the “right” church, because they have more money, a better education or any other reason they can use for an excuse, they are assuming a position of entitlement. They assume they are better than you are. They elevate themselves higher, which automatically makes you lower. They believe that those who are lower should serve those who are higher and they, the higher ones, will direct, lead and do the thinking. They expect you to obey.
They have two sets of standards, one for them and one for you. They expect you to make personal sacrifices for their benefit, sacrifices that they in turn would never make for anyone. They feel it is their right to be irresponsible and self indulgent in ways they would never allow you to be. They expect and demand complete dedication and commitment on your part, but comparatively little on theirs. They assume the right to do what they want to when they want to and it is none of your business, but they demand a full accounting of your time and behavior to them. Their feelings are all important. Your feelings, he will claim you are too immature, too sensitive, and inconsiderate of his feelings or in some way malfunctioning.
Abusers have one set of sexual standards for them and one for you. If you behave like they do; you may be subject to severe punishment or even danger. It is common for abusers to be overly jealous. They judge others by their own behavior. Their dual standard provides them with no blame and no responsibility for anything that goes amiss, but for you it is just the opposite.
Controllers imagine that sex, or a promise to do better, erases the slate so they can start over and repeat the process as often as he wishes. If you don’t buy it, he’ll tell you it’s your fault for not working on the relationship. You must stop responses that serve and reward bad behavior, even if you have to leave to do it. Gather up what is left of your self respect and live a healthier more stress free life. As Dr. Phil says,” It is better to be alone and healthy than to be in a relationship and be sick.”
One of the finest self help books on the subject is “Why Does He Do That?” by author Lundy Bancroft. Women should not only read this book, but they should study it. The wisdom in it can be life changing. For those of you who have already reached that point of desperation, call Humboldt Domestic Violence Services 24-hour crisis line 443 6042
Rebecca Kimbel
A Toastmaster Community Education Article
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